You would think I would have left, but no, I couldn’t. I was wrapped up in what I now realize was shallow evidence of how he seemed like my perfect guy––he spoke Italian, he was an artist and camera man, guitar player, handsome, hung out with all the “cool” kids, and drove a vintage cherry red Alpha Romeo. I felt like a little bird waiting for her bread crumbs. He would occasionally and sparingly throw me crumbs, and I would return to him again and again with an aching heart and a desire for love that never materialized. Days turned into years and I became very sad and increasingly lacking in confidence.I began to associate my sadness with the winter season. I built up a defensive shell, and when the winter months came my shell grew. His birthday was on Valentine’s day and he was grumpy, not liking the idea of sharing his day with anyone else. At first I was upset, then resentful when each Valentine’s Day would pass without any acknowledgment or sign of his caring. My emotions started to manifest physically and I would get sick every year around Valentine’s Day. I made a correlation in my head that Valentine’s Day was on the opposite side of my sun sign, Leo.

I drew a line in the sand: February = Death and Sadness. July = Life and Happiness.

For over a decade I lived in my constructed paradigm of seasonality, sadness and rejection. In my mid- 30’s, I married an incredibly loving man who worships me and gives me 10 cards (yes, he really does) every Valentine’s Day. Yet, I still felt depressed every winter cycle. Slowly, slowly, I began to feel the love I thought I was capable of receiving and giving and my sadness started to melt away. My heart began to re-open, even during snowy and cold Utah evenings.